“We’re Doomed”


I like to think that deep down inside, in their heart of hearts, most human beings are genuinely bad people. I like to think even the Venus Project guy would gouge the price of Poland Spring when push came to shove. I have to think that. It makes me feel better, so when I’m being a total scumbag, I know there’s a worse guy out there, and then I’m okay.

As conspiracy theorists, we like to think we have a jump on things. Even the term “conspiracy theorist” gets to the most hardcore of us. I used to say “conspiracy theorist” was like the n-word for people who think. I knew my 9/11; I had my JFK down; I could throw in some Bilderburg with a few Bohemian Groves on the side: I had it ready. Voted for Ron Paul and everything. Lifted weights in a studio apartment to George Noory AM radio clips. And sadly, after so many years, I still feel I’m right. Of course I do. I always think I’m right. If I thought I was wrong, I would think something else.

But now I live in New York City. I see people. A lot of people. And when I bring up 9/11, the biggie of all conspiracies, especially in New York, guess what? Nobody cares. They don’t get mad if I say something about it. They don’t passionately debunk the conspiracy theories. They don’t passionately defend the theories. They don’t…fucking…care.

In our world, gun control is a giant concocted thing set up to kill the 2nd Amendment, allow us to kill ourselves to thin some of the population, and make martial law easier. I think half the people here know this. And guess what again? They don’t care.

We will destroy ourselves for two reasons: There’s too many of us, and nobody cares.

Remember “Never forget?” We went from “never forget” to “don’t bring it up.” 9/11 is the only disaster in American history to have a catchphrase. I don’t recall stickers for “Lusitania Mania” or “Don’t Pearl Harbor Any Resentment” but for 9/11 we needed a slogan. How cruel is that to New Yorkers? They were trained for half a century to “forget about it.” Now we tell them “never forget.” Not fair.

And what did we think was going to happen if we didn’t remind them to remind each other? As if some guy on September 12th would show up to work, “Yeah how ya doin’-lemme get a sesame bagel, toasted, with cream cheese, and-holy shit what the hell happened? What, do they got construction or something going on over there? Eh forget about it.”

“No sir, never forget.”

“Oh okay, never forget about it.”

I think it’s admirable that people care. Everyone who makes videos, produces radio shows, podcasts, writes books and goes on talk shows, subjecting themselves to ridicule for the good of fellow humans: they’re doing an amazing thing. And I wish I had that in me. But unfortunately I think an over-crowded non-caring population will do itself in.

We will be the first species to destroy itself by reproducing too much. STD’s exist. We get diseases from doing the thing that makes more of us. No other species has this problem. That’s not a disease; that’s a hint.

Mother Nature is a giant dinner party, and we just showed up really late. This is her way of telling us, “Yeah, guys, listen, the dinosaurs took off this afternoon, you missed a really good time, a wooly mammoth showed up, took a dump and left, so I really have get up early tomorrow. But if you want, I put some global warming in some tupperware-you can have it. Don’t even worry about bringing back the tupperware. It’ll be here in a thousand years: you won’t.”

So what’s the point of this negative article? It’s not to discourage seeking knowledge. It’s not to tell theorists to give up the fight. It’s to share the fact that you have limited time left as a free-thinking human. And thus you should go do the things you really want to do. Listen, you know the Internet will be censored before our time is up. You know they’re taking our guns. You know they’re sabotaging our economy, poisoning our food, and watering down education. You already know this.

So go do the thing you want to do. Because if you don’t, someone else will, and they’re going to do it shitty. And you’ll be mad at yourself: mad at yourself for trying to save a bunch of ungrateful people to never needed to be born the first time. You won’t be born again. Go make some choices while you still have them, and whatever they eventually take from you, let them pry it from your cold, dead hands.

-Bob Hansen



Facebook: Bob Hansen Jokes

Liked it? Take a second to support TheCarlwood on Patreon!